I am a dweller.
I dwell on things way too much.
I don’t hold grudges, but I dwell.
I want to please other people and I think entirely too long about how
things turned out.
It feels so good to admit this because I’ve been thinking of
what this feeling is for the past 10 months. Turning the thought over and over in my mind. As one opportunity after another this
year disappeared in my outstretched hands, I found myself dwelling. Inevitably I got over it and picked
myself up by my bootstraps and tried again. I think I gained a bit of patience and lowered my
expectations in the process.
I wish I could say that the experiences from this year would have
stopped the dwelling. Today I am
reminded that I am still a dweller.
I guess maybe we are all just a work in progress.
I am on this sort of battleground with myself stuck
somewhere in the middle. On one
side, I have routine, plans and expectations. I crave schedules, school planners, a perfectly decorated
and clean house, and reliability in my job, life and relationships. I hate confrontation and arguments of
any kind. I worry about what
people think of me all the time. I
wish I thrived off of the unexpected, last minute invitations and being
casually 10 minutes late. I wish I
was like Andrew and didn’t care what people thought or said about me. However, I am not that person and that
is ok. We are who we are. But on the other side of the battlefield
I have this love for adventure, being free from 401ks and 9-5 work schedules,
and pursuing a career in what I love instead of what I have to do. This is
the greedy side of me. The side
that wants to have my cake and eat it too.
This lovely summer Nor’easter that we are experiencing in
Nantucket has me dwelling. I have
lost two huge days of work in the
process and I am inevitably dwelling. And by dwelling I mean that I am angry at
the weather that I can’t control, stressed at the loss of money and how I will
make up for it in the short 5 remaining weeks of summer, considering a complete
job change that does not depend on weather and wishing that I was a salaried
worker who didn’t have to worry about such problems that plague me today. It’s like this annoying Justin Beiber
song that keeps playing in my head over and over again. I tell myself to move on, but I can’t
seem to press the stop button fast
enough.
I think I am on the right track though. The track of knowing myself and
figuring out how to make a treaty on this battleground. In the end I do love what I do. I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone
else (except maybe Jimmy Buffett).
I think its ok to accept the fact that I dwell. With all this dwelling that I do, I am
still a believer. A believer that
we can have it all if we work hard.
That there are many possibilities in life and for all the ones that
don’t work out, there will always be ones that do. Sometimes dwelling might be
a good thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment