from duffles to drawers : The Double Life

I went back to duffles. For the past two weeks I have been nannying in southern California, just outside of LA. With my mornings free and a car at my disposal I explored a fair amount. I didn't anticipate this time and place I would be in beforehand. I assumed I'd work in the mornings on my photography or other business dealings, then nanny in the afternoons. I think I had forgotten what it meant to explore a new place. In fact I got the itch again. The itch to travel, explore new places, new experiences and have time to ponder life with myself.

I have a quote book that I've been gathering quotes and sayings in for a number of years now, maybe 8-10 years off and on. I attribute it to the inner nerd in me. Andrew says its an inner and outer nerd…regardless, I have collected hundreds of inspirational sayings and letters from people that I look to from time to time. Throughout college I looked to it for guidance and direction; during the summers at Sail Caribbean I looked to it for encouragement and inner strength; and now, I look to it to give me a confidence boost and a reminder of who I am and who I want to become.

I came across this poem last night.

The Double Life by Don Blanding

How very simple life would be, if only there were two of me. A restless me to drift and roam and a quiet me to stay at home. A searching one to find his fill, of varied skies and newfound thrill, while sane and homely things are done by the domestic other one.

And that's just where the trouble lies; there is a restless me that cries for chancy risks and changing scene; for arctic blue and tropic green, for deserts with their mystic spell, for lusty fun and raising hell.

But shackled to that restless me, my other self rebelliously, resists the frantic urge to move. It seeks the old familiar groove that habits make. It finds content with hearth and home - dear prisonment, with candlelight and well-loved books and treasured loot in dusty nooks

With puttering and garden things, and dreaming while a cricket sings; And all the while the restless one insists on more exciting fun, it wants to go with every tide, no matter where…just for the ride. Like yowling cats the two selves brawl until I have no peace at all.

One eye turns to the forward track, the other eye looks sadly back. I'm getting wall-eyed from the strain (it's tough to have an idle brain). But one says "stay" and one says "go" and one says "yes" and one says "no". And one self wants a home and wife and one self craves the drifters life.

The restless fellow always wins, I wish my folks had made me twins.

I had a great time in California exploring and traveling this faraway state of looming palm trees, constant sunshine, rugged canyons, and glitz and glamour. I had been feeling restless the prior week to arriving in LA. And yet I have been happy at home carving out a life with Andrew and making our house a home. I find this poem increasingly accurate to my personal self. I want this double life Blanding speaks of. I am finding myself leaning more towards the stable life, but every now and then I crave the drifters life. I crave that rush of excitement at each new place, I long to wander aimlessly down unknown streets, and I dream of faraway places to bring my camera. And yet, this morning, I could not be happier sitting in my godmother's old mustard yellow chairs staring at our twinkling Christmas tree as I sip hot tea and think about all the normal every day things in life I'm thankful for.